A bad day again.

Well it took about 2 months, but I am in the same boat I was in before Christmas. Why? Well it has been building up for a couple of weeks now. To cut a long story short: I've been upset that You have not accepted me back into your life fully. I know you have lots of new friends and commitments, but you could find time to fit me in. How on earth do you think I feel about you going off to another mans house on your own? Look, I know that it is difficult for you to tell your parents,about me being back in your life, but it is hard for me to deal with. You said last night and this morning that you only took me back because you felt sorry for me. Is that true? I embarrass you, do I?

I didn't know what to expect when I came back. I was walking on eggshells for a while. Knowing that I can get chucked out is not a nice feeling. After what happened to me in Swindon: I really wanted you to love me again and do things together that we both enjoyed. Getting a job is something I am proud of. You told me you were proud of me. I am proud of you getting a job too. Things are definitely looking up on that front aren't they? When I get a full time job things will be very different, money will not be such an issue any more, and we can do some "nice things" and have fun.

I am sorry I lost it last night. You had every right to be horrible back to me. I just want you to understand me and I wish you could see things from my side. It makes me sad thinking that you don't want to or can't be bothered.

I am Sorry though.

What is the point? It's a trap.

Things are tough and I never expected life to be easy, but black dog has visited me again...

In 2001 my life came crashing down. I suppose the rot set in before that; who knows? 2001 was the year that things came to a head and I embarked on a trip into the very strange.

Once upon a time I was a soldier with a home, a wife, and 2 lovely children whom I cherished. That life ended, I became a parent without care, living back at my parents house again. I had wanted to have a full career in the army, but it circumstances put paid to that. So, there I was, out on a wing.

Now I was of the old school and understood that I had a responsibility for the welfare of my children. I had arranged, with my ex, to keep contact with them regularly. Before I left the marital home my ex told me, explicitly, that she would never stop me from seeing my children. I will never forget what she said - I was in the bath at the time. One year later (and several thousands of pounds lighter) I was in a living HELL of complete madness.

A loving parent who is cut off from their children by the law and a vindictive mother is in a living hell. What happened to me has happened to many other parents under similar circumstances. I tried to look up why mothers decide to cut all contact with the fathers of their children. Interestingly there was an article on this called Parental Alienation Syndrome; my ex-wife and her mother fitted the bill to a tea.

The problem, at the time - and probably still now - is, that the entire system is geared up for the mother. As soon as a mother with care decides to stop contact you are fucked. The mother needs only a spurious excuse to stop contact - mine was because my eldest daughter had fallen over and hurt her knee. Once contact is stopped the judicial system then comes into action and you lose.

The judicial system fails the father because firstly: The time it takes to process the case is so long that your absence from the children's lives becomes entrenched with the mother. Secondly, the costs concerned are hefty when you have to use a lawyer. Lastly the system does not uphold its decisions with punishment for breaking its own orders.

Eventually I did get a contact order, this was a legal document that made it clear that my children would be known by my surname and that I would be able to have them every other week-end. Within 2 weeks of this court order being issued I saw my eldest daughters face on the local newspaper with her mothers maiden name. Within 8 months all contact was stopped (because of the incident where my eldest fell over) and I was completely up shit creek. I was in a mad place and the system was exposed for the load of bollocks it is.

When my ex stopped contact I went back to the courts. I wanted them to force my ex to abide by the order that they had placed on her. The courts told me to go back to my solicitor and start an "enforcement of contact order" action. When I researched the internet (on cases like mine) I became aware of full horror of the position I was in. The stories I heard about were pure nightmares and I became instantly depressed. So I was already in debt of several thousand pounds (through the initial action to obtain a contact order) and now they system was forcing me to become more in debt (by going to my solicitor again) to fight for something that was supposed to have been granted by the court - legal defence for my ex was being funded by the taxpayer. How on earth is this right and just?

Reading the heartbreaking stories of other fathers on the Internet is what broke me. During the period when I was granted contact, it was obvious that my children were being coached into hating me by their mother which was classic Parental Alienation Syndrome. I thought about it hard and decided that for the sake of my children I would have to give up. My ex would never accept me in their lives and the system would re-enforce her position at every turn.

My situation now became like a living bereavement where you are constantly paying for a funeral through the Child Support Agency. I said fuck it and dropped out.